Aziz Ansari’s Tinder Pickup Line Is So Good, You’ll Want To Steal It

At this point, Aziz Ansari is basically a sage on modern love. He wrote a research-heavy book on the subject in 2015, and his character on “Master of None,” Dev, is almost studious in his search for true, lasting love.

Given all that, we’re not surprised the guy knows some pretty decent pickup lines, one of which he shared with Vogue in a recent “73 Questions” interview.

His best Tinder pickup line? “Dev’s is: ‘Going to Whole Foods. Want me to pick you up anything?’” Ansari says, referencing his character on the popular Netflix show.

Really, who wouldn’t be won over by that? 

Watch the clip above for Ansari’s advice on making a woman laugh, getting roles in Hollywood as an Asian American, and his favorite friendship moment with Kanye West.

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Victoria Justice Says New Meme Is ‘Dredging Up Non-Existent Drama’

I think we ALL know about the Victoria Justice/Ariana Grande meme, but just in case you don’t, here’s a refresher.

Last week, an intrepid Twitter user unearthed an old video of Victoria Justice and Ariana Grande from their time on the Nickelodeon show “Victorious.” In the clip, actress Elizabeth Gillies heaps praise upon Grande for her “beautiful” singing voice, at which point Justice adds, “I think we ALL sing.” 

The video became an instant sensation, sparking a viral meme in honor of Justice’s comment. 

You may have thought the meme was just a bit of lighthearted fun, but Justice feels differently. The actress addressed the hubbub on Twitter Friday, saying the meme was “dredging up” old rumors.

“I think we ALL have better things 2 do than dredging up 7 yr old non-existent drama,” Justice wrote. “That said, I’m kind of excited to finally be a meme.”

We’re glad to see Justice has a sense of humor about the whole thing, especially since her response seems to have only added fuel to the fire. Fans replied to her tweet with their own hilarious versions of the meme:

No word yet from Grande about the controversy, but we can wager a guess as to how she’s feeling about all this.

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Expert Baker Trolls Donald Trump With Cakes That Use His Own Words

Brooklyn baker Kat Thek is the brainchild behind Troll Cakes, a new bakery/detective agency that specializes in turning trolls’ mean internet comments into delicious cakes.

But it’s Thek’s “Tiny Hands Special” ― meant for President Trump ― that’s got our attention. This “bigly satisfying” deal means that for only $30, you can get one of Trump’s tweets or comments printed on a cake and sent straight to the White House. 

Below is an example of some of Trump’s comments paraphrased from an Associated Press interview on a Troll Cake: 

“It would be a tremendous, terrific mistake to deprive our nation’s noisiest troll of his incredibly deserved Troll Cakes,” Thek told HuffPost via email last week. “Our ‘Tiny Hands Special’ has been well received but it’s also gotten us asked if we’re skirting the line of terrorism. Here’s where we land on that: if putting the president’s exact words into icing on a cake is considered an act of terror, the problem is not the cake.” 

She added, “However, if the White House no longer wishes to receive Troll Cakes, we’re ready to reroute shipments to Mar-a-Lago. We are hopeful that the State Department will include Troll Cakes as a dining option in their next Mar-a-Lago ad.” 

“We’d also like to note that Trump’s decision to incorporate a cake description into his account of the recent Syrian missile strike (it was chocolate and ‘the most beautiful’) was not a sponsored Troll Cakes promotion,” Thek said jokingly. 

If you’d like to just take on a regular troll, there’s a $35 option in which the company will bake chocolate chip brownie cake, decorate it with frosting, sprinkles and the comment and then ship it to the troll’s home or work address. If you don’t know where the troll lives, the price goes up to $60. 

That means someone’s hateful comment like “Crash in a plane” would be turned into a yummy masterpiece like this. Eat it and weep, trolls: 

Internet comment –> Troll Cake Delivery included @ trollcakes.com #trollcakes

A post shared by Kat Thek (@kat_thek) on

Thek also told HuffPost about coming up with the concept of Troll Cakes and revealed the cake she recently made for one of Amy Schumer’s trolls. 

When did you start Troll Cakes? How did you come up with the concept? 

The troll that really sparked the whole enterprise was on Dolly Parton’s Facebook page. There was something simultaneously infuriating and hilarious about seeing somebody try to bully Dolly Parton. I mean, who would do that? And is the goal to hurt Dolly’s feelings? She’s a 71-year-old millionaire who grew up in a one-room cabin and now wears sequined jumpsuits — a poorly spelled Facebook post isn’t going to take the spring out of her step one bit.

Trolling anyone, especially Dolly Parton, is like aggressively giving the finger to a sunset or a panda or bag of craisins. You’re just letting everybody around you know that you’re a grumpy idiot. It’s fun to maintain that idiocy but then flip the grumpy into something obnoxiously cheerful, like a surprise cake in the mail. 

What do you like most about Troll Cakes? 

Troll Cakes combines our deep interest in cake, catty comments, the mail, being nosy, and having a reason to speak like Julia Child. Putting all of those things together saves a lot of time. 

Why do you call yourselves a detective agency as well? 

We’re a full service operation ― if you don’t know your troll’s home or work address, we’ll track ‘em down.  

What else should we know about Troll Cakes? 

We love sending Troll Cakes between friends ― some of our favorite deliveries have been one friend trolling another for oversharing on Facebook. 

We made the attached “You Donkey Witch” Troll Cake from a comment on Amy Schumer’s instagram and then made a Twitter account to holler at Amy to see if she’d like us to send. No news yet: 

We’re going to start taking Thek’s message to heart ― if you see something, cake something: 

See something? Cake something. #trollcakes

A post shared by Kat Thek (@kat_thek) on

This interview has been edited and condensed for space. 

The HuffPost Lifestyle newsletter will make you happier and healthier, one email at a time. Sign up here.

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Nick Offerman Shoots Down ‘Parks And Rec’ Theory About Leslie Knope

Is she president? Knope.

Following the “Parks and Recreation” finale in 2015, the popular thought on everyone’s mind was that Leslie Knope (played by Amy Poehler) became president. 

It seemed like a perfect ending. Leslie said her goal was to become president of the United States. Then, in the series finale we see a brief scene with Leslie, her husband Ben Wyatt (Adam Scott) and some people who appear to be their Secret Service agents. 

It’s never explicitly stated, but it seemed like Leslie achieved her goal. That is, until we chatted with Ron Swanson about it.

Nick Offerman spoke recently with HuffPost about his movie “The Founder,” and we asked if he thought Leslie became president on “Parks and Rec.”

His response to a possible President Knope? Nope.

“I would be dubious. I feel like it takes a very special personality to actually want to become president of the United States. In show business … to me, the president is more like an A-list movie star and there is a lot about that lifestyle that is not attractive to most people, and I think Leslie would be one of those people,” said Offerman. “I feel like she might become governor at most.”

Governor? You mean like Rick Perry from “Dancing with the Stars?” 

Oh, please no … (Li’l Sebastian is rolling in his grave.)

With the show hinting so heavily that Leslie would be president, what gives?

In our opinion, Donald Trump is what gives.

Offerman is very vocal in his opposition of the new president, and his “Parks and Rec” character is, too. On Swanson’s position, Offerman told HuffPost:

I can’t fully speak for Ron Swanson because smarter people than me were writing that role to which I was but a contributor, so I asked Mike Schur, our head writer, what the answer to the question was, and he said that Ron would think very little of anybody that made the transition from business to politics. That would be his main vote against the orange one. But also, Ron was a great respecter of all people … especially women, so he would really think Trump was shameful because his behavior is so demonstrably disrespectful of women.

If “the orange one” has soiled the office for Offerman, it makes sense that he wouldn’t see Leslie in that position. 

Actually, following Trump’s election, Poehler even wrote a letter as Knope, which was published by Vox, expressing her surprise and anger over the outcome:

I reject out of hand the notion that we have thrown up our hands and succumbed to racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and crypto-fascism. I do not accept that. I reject that. I fight that. Today, and tomorrow, and every day until the next election, I reject and fight that story.

She apologized to young girls on behalf of the “grown-ups of America” who screwed up the election, and encouraged them not to be disheartened:

He is the present, sadly, but he is not the future. You are the future. Your strength is a million times his. Your power is a billion times his. We will acknowledge this result, but we will not accept it. We will overcome it, and we will defeat it.

Whether Trump has soured Leslie’s chances as president for Offerman, or if she would really just voluntarily stop at governor, Knope still has our vote.

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This Graduate Creatively Pays Tribute To The Hip-Hop Legends Who Inspire Him

For University of North Texas graduate Mark Phillips, traditional graduation pictures were lacking in a little musical appreciation. 

So he decided to put together a series of photos that would recreate some of his favorite hip-hop album covers, including Kendrick Lamar’s “DAMN,” J. Cole’s “4 Your Eyez Only,” Chance the Rapper’s “Coloring Book” and, of course, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill.”

He posted the below photos to his Instagram page on Saturday. 

Phillips told Complex that the artists’ music helped him to remain motivated throughout college.

“Their music really has kept me inspired to keep pushing towards my goals,” he told Complex. 

In April, Eastern Michigan University graduate DeAnn also got the internet’s attention when she made a black feminist statement with her graduation cap design

While Phillips may have been more interested in the hip-hop theme for his graduation pictures, he also made sure to keep mama happy by getting regular photos taken as well. 

“I didn’t tell my mom about these pictures at first,” he said. “I knew she’d be happy, but secretly she would want some regular ones to send to my family. So I took some regular ones for my family and these for my creative side/for the artists.”

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Nightmarish Sculpture Is Haunting Runners In A Chicago Park

In most situations, glimpsing a 15-foot tall jet-black skeleton figure with hunched shoulders and holes for eyes would be cause for serious panic.

For Chicago residents taking a casual stroll, however, such an encounter is simply an opportunity for art appreciation, thanks to artist Thomas Houseago.

Houseago’s sculpture, titled “Striding Figure,” was installed near Chicago’s Edgewater neighborhood Lakefront Trail on April 25, bringing to life a haunting vision many only experience in lucid nightmares. 

Striding figure – 2014 – now in black – about to go to Chicago

A post shared by Thomas Houseago (@thomashouseago) on

The work, which measures over 15 feet tall and six feet wide, looks like what might happen if the Babadook and Wicker Man ever reproduced. Houseago created the work in 2014, combining elements of mythology, African tribal art, cartoon imagery, Italian Mannerism, science fiction and robot culture to yield his 21st-century golem.

So far, the reactions to Houseago’s newly installed work have been mixed, but not very surprising. Amateur critics have described it as “spooky” and “creepy,” with one concerned party wondering whether the giant dark figure would “scare some kids.

Seems like a definite possibility. After all, the hulking mass incorporates aspects of sculpture, painting and drawing to create a “transhistorical, transcultural” figure that’s meant to allude to past traumas and present anxieties. 

Here’s to hoping the citizens of Chicago respond kindly to their new neighbor, regardless of whether or not he resembles an undead zombie.

And in case you were wondering: There’s no word yet on whether budding sculptor and Houseago apprentice Brad Pitt was involved in the work any way.

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An Ikea Shopping Bag Hat Exists, No Assembly Required

If you’ve wondered what an Ikea shopping tote would look like as an item of clothing, you’re in luck: There’s now an Ikea-inspired bag hat.

LA brands Pleasures and Chinatown Market have collaborated to take the famous blue FRAKTA bag to new heights with the FRAKA hat ― which is presumably misspelled because Ikea wasn’t involved in this venture. (Ikea, Pleasures and Chinatown Market didn’t respond to HuffPost’s requests for comment.)

According to HighSnobiety, the tote-hat will cost $38 ― though the original Ikea tote only costs 99 cents ― because … that’s the price of fashion?

The hats roll out this spring/summer and will be available at Pleasures and Chinatown Market’s online stores in the coming weeks.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AN ORIGINAL FRAKA CAP: A CONCEPT BY @PLEASURES.NOW & CHINATOWN MARKET AVAILABLE SOON.

A post shared by CHINATOWN MARKET (@chinatownmarket) on

In the interim, if you need chic Ikea vibes in your life, you can check out Balenciaga’s own take on the 99-cent tote.

It’s $2,145 and made of glazed leather.

We’re not going to say it’s not worth the money, but you should know that it’s not filled with a lifetime supply of Ikea’s Swedish meatballs. That would truly be the dream.

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Echoes Of World War II — And A Loud Explosion Or Two — On A Southern Road Trip

There’s a moment in an historical re-enactment when you start to question reality.

For me, it came as I stood on the deck of the USS Alabama on a recent Sunday afternoon, watching two vintage Russian Yak aircraft barreling toward us low and menacing over Mobile Bay.

On the deck of the meticulously restored battleship that served during World War II, pandemonium reigned. Sailors dressed in authentic era uniforms scrambled to load their weapons with blanks, tend to the pretend wounded and extinguish simulated fires. They’re part of the USS Alabama Living History Crew, who take this kind of thing pretty seriously.

How seriously? Well, for just a second, I believed the warplanes were going to take the re-enactors and their audience out in a burst of simulated cannon fire. I saw my 12-year-old son flinch. Then the warbirds pulled up and and soared south toward the ocean. The onlookers let out a collective gasp of relief.

There’s no better place to learn about WWII history than a road trip to Alabama and Louisiana. It’s not just Battleship Memorial Park in Mobile, Ala., that will let you experience the war in a visceral way, the way the American South demands to be experienced. A short two-hour drive away in New Orleans, you’ll also find the finest museum of WWII history, The National World War II Memorial Museum. You wouldn’t expect to find two such opportunities so close together outside perhaps a major world capital, yet here they are.

By itself, Battleship Memorial Park is worth the visit even without its history buffs and re-enactors. (They do their thing every other month, so you have to plan it right.) The USS Alabama, or the Mighty A as they call it here, looks as good as she did the day she was commissioned and is filled with “wow” moments — and plenty of opportunities to lose your kids.

I misplaced mine a time or two.

While the little ones will be fascinated by the weapons, of which there are plenty, there’s also enough to keep the adults occupied. Thoughtful exhibits and displays mark the walking tour of the USS Alabama. You could spend an entire day exploring the ship. The Mighty A has earned its place in history as the vessel that led the American fleet into Tokyo Bay on Sept. 5, 1945.

Most tourists come to this area to experience Alabama’s famous Gulf Coast, but the battleship is a worthy day trip and a sobering reminder of the sacrifices America and its allies made during World War II — explosions and all. For a more immersive experience, though, you have to drive west and visit the World War II museum.

Why would perhaps the world’s finest World War II museum be in New Orleans, of all places? It all started as the D-Day Museum, which wouldn’t have been possible without the amphibious landing vehicles built here and tested on Lake Pontchartrain by Higgins Industries. President Eisenhower credited Higgins and his boats for our winning the war in Europe. From there, the project expanded and was supported by Stephen Ambrose, a New Orleans resident and historian. Ambrose, then a professor at University of New Orleans, and Gordon “Nick” Mueller, the current museum CEO, were looking for a place to house the stories of veterans Ambrose was collecting and the memorabilia the veterans were giving to him.

So it didn’t surprise us when Tom Hanks — the executive producer of the adaptation of Ambrose’s book, Band of Brothers — showed up to narrate the spectacular Beyond All Boundaries, a “4-D” multimedia explanation of the war. This is easily one of the most compelling presentations about war I’ve ever seen. If you’re traveling with kids, you’ll want to take them here first. The fog effects, pyrotechnics and moving seats really convey the drama of the conflict and set the stage for the exhibits that follow.

My middle son, Iden, saw the medical warning that preceded the show, about the possibility of it aggravating “certain medical conditions” and asked me if we were going on a rollercoaster. But after sitting through Beyond All Boundaries he sat in stunned silence as the credits displayed. This was a rollercoaster of the mind.

It’s absolutely worth checking out the signature Campaigns of Courage after you watch the presentation. The Road to Berlin follows the conflict in Germany from the Normandy invasion to Germany’s surrender. A second exhibit, The Road to Tokyo, charts the same course for Japan. The exhibits are highly interactive and deeply compelling. Visitors use special “dog tags” (they’re actually plastic cards) to activate displays, which tell a personal story of someone who lived through the war.

For us, one of the most sobering exhibits was on the power of propaganda, Winning Over Hearts and Minds, a short display of wartime propaganda posters. It prompted a frank discussion with my children about the subtle effectiveness of propaganda and some of its modern-day uses. You can’t walk though these displays without seeing echoes of the current rhetoric used by politicians both in America and abroad.

On a southern road trip, the last thing you would expect is a reminder of the greatest human conflict. But, thanks to a restored ship, a museum built in one of the unlikeliest places, and several loud explosions, you can find one that will stay with you for a lifetime.

If you go …

Where to stay
The International House is a boutique property located a few blocks away from the WWII museum, but also close to New Orleans’ famous French Quarter. The hotel, located in a former world trade center, has been carefully restored with lots of attention to detail.

What to do
Check out the Hurricane Katrina exhibit at The Presbytère, the Louisiana State Museum. It’s a moving exhibit that follows this devastating hurricane and its aftermath and a testament to the city’s resilience.

What to eat
You mean, what not to eat? With only two days in town, we never got past breakfast. That’s Cafe Du Monde for beignets and coffee and Brennan's for one of their famous breakfasts. Try the turtle soup — but don’t forget the Sherry. I’ll discuss the differences between Creole and Cajun in a future story.

Christopher Elliott specializes in solving seemingly unsolvable consumer problems. Contact him with your questions on his advocacy website. You can also follow him on Twitter, Facebook and Google or sign up for his newsletter.

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Fear & Loafing at the IMATS

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” – Charlie “Tremendous” Jones

This quote has made enough rounds on the internet – unattributed and bastardized in motivational memes – to be in the public domain by now. And if that’s not how copyright law works, so what? Why should we honor Charlie Jones’ “intellectual property” when the man doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page? Sure, his book, Life is Tremendous, made a splash back in the day, if we can believe the cover’s claim that “more than 2,000,000” copies were sold, but I’m not sure we can. It tries too hard. A better question would be: Why should we trust any of the sophomoric maxims that pop up on our feeds? The answer, of course, is: we should trust anything on the internet if it helps us get through the day or props up our sense of purpose.

I like the idea of being the same person in five years – and I’m inclined to take any life advice at face value if it gives me the impression I can keep doing what I’m doing – prioritizing my art even when it doesn’t pay the bills and even though I happen to live in one of the top ten most expensive cities in the world. It should be noted that I wouldn’t have the luxury to write this fluff if I didn’t have a credit card. The substitute dog-walking shifts are drying up, my webseries has yet to be picked up and I’m starting to feel “The Fear” again. So, here I am resorting to gimmicks like going “in face” to the International Make-up Artist Trade Show with Maddelynn Hatter just to score some clicks.

“Girl, I’m 34 years old, and I’m a professional drag queen. There’s always a level of anxiety there because, like, what the fuck am I doing?” Maddy mused, inspecting the makeup on my face. I would be sporting a ‘water nymph’ boy-giesh look, as we would come to call it, and he had just finished contouring.

“But here’s the thing. . . The whole romance of living as an artist in New York City was the goal. Once you get here, you shouldn’t stress as much. Look up.” I flinched as Maddy pencilled iron-oxide onto my eyelids. He sighed. “Don’t be a pussy.”

Believe me, I’m trying. I just released the first installment of a revolutionary new vlog called The Me Report, and at the time of this writing, it has a paltry 121 views on YouTube. Meanwhile, my contemporaries are out there getting featured on NPR, touring through Europe, selling sitcoms, scoring half-hour specials on Comedy Central, and whatever else. Also, let’s not forget my mom. She likes to remind me how I don’t have the disposable income to visit as often as she’d like, and she has taken to asking some pretty unadorned questions like: “When will you be able to monetize?” The honest answer is the same as it has been for years: “Not soon enough, but try not to worry, mother – I’m surrounding myself with the right people.”

Maddy and I used to work weekend brunch shifts together at a bar in Williamsburg. He quit when he decided he could sustain himself by doing things that fit with his career path, leaving me to pour Bloody Marys and mimosas in peace, without his shrill ultimatums from the service station. Now he makes his money performing, costuming, running a show called TURNt at the Ritz, selling MaDd merchandise and beautifying strippers at Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. In short, he is living the dream – he is an artist who pays the bills with his craft.

I’ve been trying to leech off of Maddy’s web presence ever since I found out how many Instagram followers he had, and he has always been gracious about it. When he agreed to give me a makeover and guide me through the IMATS, the idea was to write an immersive piece covering the tip of the iceberg that is the world of makeup. But alas, this article is shaping up to be something different, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to my editor, Lonnie, who has seen firsthand how often my work devolves into showy manifestations of my own angst. This one has taken on the gonzo feel.

Yes, I’m one of those Hunter S. Thompson fanboys. And if that’s not cool to admit, know that I’m not going for cool here – something that may end up giving me an edge in the long run since too many people these days lean on obscure, refined or timely palates to supplement their personalities. Me, I rely on my creations, derivative or not, and uh oh. . . it seems we’ve gone down a bitchy little rabbit hole here. Let’s just cap it with: “Leaders are readers.” This is according to Charlie “Tremendous” Jones, of course, and while I do believe that’s the rule, I should add that our President appears to be the exception. If Trump can get ahead without reading, anyone. . . nothing matters is what I think I’m trying to say.

“The people trying to get their shit together don’t understand there is no shit to get together,” Maddy told me once, as he rolled silverware, prepping for one of those brunch shifts of yore. I guess I needed to hear it at the time, because it stuck with me. Nihilistic reasoning is medicine for those of us who don’t see a place for ourselves at the grown-up table. I’d love a career someday, sure, but I’m committed to building one on my own terms. We’ll see how long that lasts; I’m almost 30. I’ll either succeed, break, or remain the wayward Renaissance boy who hammers too many nails to succeed at any one thing. However things pan out, I should probably start paying off my credit card debt. And on that note, here’s a letter to my editor:

 

Hey Lonnie,

I’m trying to avoid getting a 2nd restaurant job, but if it comes to that, I’ll need one that doesn’t bleed into too much of my open-mic time. Chances are I’d end up serving breakfast somewhere. I guess I could do the barista thing, but I’m afraid that culture might ruin me. Next time you go into a coffeeshop, Lonnie, try eavesdropping on all the high-minded feedback loops. They’re getting worse everyday, and to be honest, I’m starting to hate the sound of even my closest friends’ voices. Am I making sense? Nevermind. The point is: I think it might be for the best if you talk to the Outspeak machinery and secure me better payment for future articles. Then I can start writing more of them, and let’s face it – the internet could use A LOT more of me, whether it knows it or not. Maybe I can even start exploring subject matter beyond myself – a prospect that may be exciting to your people, but please let them know: it will cost them extra. If you fail to convince them to pay me enough to stave off more pink-collar work, at least make it a firm priority to get me seen, Lonnie – if not on the “front page” of The Huffington Post, then in one of your own projects. Yes, that’s right. Don’t think it slipped by me that one of your films made it onto New York Magazine’s Approval Matrix. Here’s my acting reel. Do the right thing.

Talk soon.

-AHM

 

Maddy enunciated when he told me his friend was making serious money “sucking dick through Europe.” Our Uber driver, a hard-eyed man with a chinstrap beard, stole a glance in the rearview mirror, and I shuffled in my seat to avoid his eyes. “Live your life,” Maddy reminded us, making sure to project his voice which happens to match the resonant frequency of my skull. There was no telling whether our driver took the counsel to heart, but as we inched through Manhattan traffic toward Pier 94, Maddy cut the tension with tales from the days he slammed hard drugs and rose through the ranks of the drag world on neurochemical autopilot. While those days are gone (Maddy has been sober a year and a half), he still prides himself on not having a filter, or if he has one, not indulging it. It’s a quality I admire more and more these days, as the people around me grow up and refine themselves into phonier, more sensible, versions of themselves.

At the IMATS, nobody gave my face a second glance unless they were familiar with Maddy and wanted to appraise his work. There were too many things to look at. Fantastical creatures with latex prostheses made their way through a labyrinth of exhibition booths that were peacocking for foot traffic and peddling everything from face powder to faux mucus. A moderated discussion with the prosthetics chief and the head of the makeup department for a new rash of Marvel shows was underway, and while I couldn’t process anything the people onstage were saying, I was content to wade in the 133,000-square-foot sea of overstimulation underneath Pier 94’s 26-foot-high ceiling. The packaging of cosmetics is an art in and of itself and the retailers’ attention to presentation is key in scoring impulse buys.

When Maddy wasn’t collecting freebies from familiars who were working the booths, he was dropping money that he had allotted himself for the event. It was clear he was in his element, and as I tailed him, I appreciated his ability to shift from shopping with hawk-eyed focus to schmoozing with pep and candor. I felt a general sense of calm in the space – the kind of calm I imagine people feel when there’s nowhere else they need to be. Here, at the epicenter of their world, it seemed the makeup fiends could zen out. I let Maddy in on the observation, and he shot it down, assuring me the whole place would go to shit if a makeup-tutorial YouTube star walked in.

Right before we left, the people at the Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics stand mentioned the prospect of giving Maddellynn Hatter her own color. If a company expressed interest in hawking my brand, I might take the day off, but not Maddy. After we parted ways, he headed to the gym. The guy deserves all the success coming his way. He has been hustling for over a decade, and from what I’ve gathered, he hasn’t compromised his vision. I believe it was that guy Tai Lopez, the investor/Mensa member whose 67 Steps took him from broke to driving a Lambo through the Hollywood Hills, who tweeted: practice your skill until you are too good for people to ignore. Maddy is, for the record, and I’m working on it in my own sphere, whatever that is.

Commuting back to Brooklyn from Pier 94 with makeup on was uneventful. I scored a few “looks” but who’s to say what they meant? Certainly not me. This is New York City; it is among the most tolerant cities in the country. Getting home would’ve been more interesting if people had somehow detected that I was straight. Then I might have found myself cornered on the subway, having the ‘appropriation’ conversation with an excitable do-gooder. The theoretical one in my head is mocking me: How nice it must be to be able to play with makeup for a day without first having to endure a lifetime of homophobia or deal with the suffocating societal expectations that prime the average woman to spend about $15,000 on makeup in her lifetime.

Yes, it is nice, but I’m not keen on letting how good I have it dissuade me from seeking out innocuous new experiences. “Good.” Maddy’s voice reverberates in my head like a bee in an empty soda can.

“Don’t be a pussy,” he reminds me. Yes, that’s the idea, Maddy. A lot can and will change in the next five years, and if I haven’t achieved something serious by then, I hope I still have the chutzpah to keep doing what I’m doing – prioritizing my art, even if it’s obnoxious to the vanguard. “Don’t hope,” says another voice, somewhere in the cortex, parroting something from a Chicken Soup for the Soul vignette. “Decide.”

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Michael Moore Is Taking His Criticism Of Trump To Broadway

Last year, Michael Moore surprised fans when he announced he’d been making a “secret film” about then-presidential candidate Donald Trump, which he released shortly before the November election.

“Michael Moore in TrumpLand,” however, has been described more as a “love letter” to Democratic hopeful Hillary Clinton than an excoriating profile of her GOP opponent. Maybe Moore’s upcoming Broadway show will give Trump critics the incendiary takedown they’ve been waiting for.

Moore will indeed make his Broadway debut this summer, in a limited-run production titled “The Terms of My Surrender.” And he’s teasing the show as sufficiently Trump-critical: “Can a Broadway show take down a sitting President?” a poster reads.

A slightly longer description of the “theatrical work” provides a little more color:

In a time like no other in American history, and with a sense of urgency like never-before, Michael Moore comes to Broadway for the first time in an exhilarating, subversive one-man show guaranteed to take audiences on a ride through the United States of Insanity, explaining once and for all how the f*** we got here, and where best to dine before crossing with the Von Trapp family over the Canadian border.

Moore will act out the “The Terms of My Surrender” ― a flexibly scripted one-man show, with the potential for guests, that’s not quite stand-up comedy or a play ― eight times a week for 12 weeks, beginning with previews in July. The performances will take place, as a press release makes clear, “blocks from Trump Tower” at the Belasco Theatre. 

“It’s a humorous play about a country that’s just elected a madman,” Moore, who predicted Trump’s win, told The New York Times. “I mean, there’s really no other way to put it.” 

Like “TrumpLand,” Moore has indicated that “My Surrender” will be about more than just our current president. (Though he stands by the question on the poster, quipping to the NYT: “Can something like this unravel an unhinged man? I think that discombobulation might be our most effective path to undoing his presidency.”) 

“I think what the world needs right now is Michael Moore standing on a Broadway stage, sharing his hilarious stories and incendiary political perspective” the show’s director, Tony Award-winner Michael Mayer, noted in the show’s release, “creating the kind of dialogue that can only happen in the theater.”

Since Trump’s election, Moore has outlined his own blueprints for resisting a man he refers to as our “so-called” president, who’s already, according to the documentarian, declared “war against the actual planet.”

If you’re itching to see how Moore will continue the resistance on Broadway, you can checkout tickets for the show ― which officially opens on Aug.10 ― here.

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